Dear Student Body and Love Birds,
It is prom time. The big one. This isn’t just another dance where you wear a pitiful suit and tie for the sole reason of others’ amusement. It is tux season. And this means that all of you need to start getting serious. I’ve seen an awful lot of lackluster qualities around campus recently; things like poor posture and less than adequate confidence have plagued you guys for too long. But have no fear, the Love Doctor is here. We are a little over a week out from Prom, so it’s not too late to make a change for the better. Open your ears and peel your eyes. Following my direction and strict suggestions, I can lead you to the perfect prom date.
I bet most of you think that prom starts on Saturday morning, and that is where you are mistaken. Prom preparation started yesterday, and brother, if you aren’t already planning your dance moves when you’re moshing with your boys, it might be too late. Personally, I’ve been perfecting my backflip into the worm, and I’m expecting spectacular ROI from the crowd. In the meantime, when you are thinking about your perfect dance move, start working on your promposal. Everyone does a sign, so let’s really try to be original. For mine, I purchased a helicopter (money talks) and flew my date over an empty field, which was covered in roses, spelling “Prom?” Of course, she said yes, and step 1 in my prom plan was already under way. For you guys that maybe don’t have that type of capital, I would do something related to an animal. Everyone knows that giving someone a pet as a gift is the best thing you can do, as it catches the recipient off guard and creates an element of surprise. A possible promposal could be something like, “Will you GOAT to prom with me?” and hand her a baby goat. Goats are fairly simple pets, not a lot of attention needed, so this should work. For your tux, I would head over to Stalone’s on Clayton. The nice old man over there will fit you in his finest silk and classiest loafers, which are designed for fashion but also performance (when you’re moshing with the boys).
Once you are past the promposal stage, it’s time to move on to the date of prom. Similar to homecoming, chivalry is the name of the game. Your day starts bright and early at 6 am sharp, where you should, with haste, text your date a lengthy good morning text, referring to her as “princess” and “queen.” When she wakes up and reads this text, a smile will be cast on her face, knowing she made the right choice. Next, show up to her house unannounced around 9:37 am with some girly drink from your local coffee shop, #supportsmallbuisness, and a bouquet of handpicked Daliah’s, which you should have been already growing in your backyard (failing to prepare is preparing to fail). If done correctly, she will give you a fist bump (minimal contact) and send you on your way.
Now that you have completely made this woman fall for you, it’s time to start thinking about transportation. For homecoming or any other meaningless dance, a simple hatchback would do. But this is the big one: Prom. Let’s start getting a little more creative. A limo always grabs anyone’s attention, but that’s not where my head’s at. I’m looking at things like a monster truck or a private jet—something that both destroys the environment while simultaneously telling everyone, “I’m important.” This shows your date that you don’t take anything from anyone and that you’re confident, two qualities girls adore.
Gearing up for prom, you need to bring a couple utilities. I’d recommend wearing a fanny pack instead of a cummerbund so you can carry all of these around. Firstly, gum. Make sure that breath stays fresh, and of course pack extra for your date and other people who didn’t brush their teeth. Secondly, breath spray. This may seem redundant, but when you need a quick spritz after prom dinner, you’re going to wish you brought some. And most importantly, emergency hooping shorts. You never know when a pickup game could break out, so be ready. I will personally be wearing my hooping shorts under my tear-away tux pants, but this isn’t necessary. As I said before, failing to prepare is preparing to fail, and in the case of something as important as prom, you cannot fail.
Now, the time for the dance has arrived. You have your utilities. You have your tux. You have your hooping shorts ready to go. All the preparation is done, and it’s time to have the night of your life. Start by picking your date up with a bouquet of flowers (dahlias) and arrive at her house at least 30 minutes before the dance. Knock on her door in a rhythm similar to her dad’s favorite rock song (should have already researched this) and await his arrival. When he opens the door, shake his hand with the utmost vigor. A strong handshake is a confident handshake, and confidence means respect. Now that the dad likes you, call out to your date, but do not step inside. You do not want to intrude. When she comes to the front door, hand her the flowers you got her, but do not grab her hand. This is overstepping and way too much physical contact. Make sure to open the monster truck door for her and close the door behind her. The name of the game is chivalry, and this certainly fits the criteria.
Once in the car, head off to prom going 10 under the speed limit. After all, there is precious cargo on board, and today’s drivers can’t be trusted to follow the rules. Finally, you’ve arrived at the dance. All your hard work and dedication has led to this moment, and you can’t start slacking. Walk up to the doors and open them for her. If you see any puddles along the way, lay down your tux coat over them so her shoes do not get dirty. Stalone’s really doesn’t care about the jackets, so you should be good.
And now, it’s game time. Pull her chair out for her when you get to the table, and offer to make her plate at the buffet. Of course, get her the salad when you go through the line. Gluttony is a sin, and we are striving for holy women, not sinful ones. After eating, wish her goodbye, because things are getting serious. All your boys are out on the dance floor, and you don’t want to be that guy watching all the action unfold. Also, make sure you get in the pit and hit a cool dance move to hype up the fellas while letting everyone know you came here for strictly business. Once you’ve worked up a good sweat, go up to the DJ and slide him a crisp Andrew Jackson. This isn’t homecoming. DJs are more expensive, and a flimsy Abe Lincoln isn’t going to do the trick. For the slow dance, request a song that you know speaks to her. Something out of SZA or Ed Sheeran’s discography should do the trick. I would usually recommend rehearsing a dance style to do with your date, but go with her flow. If she wants a quickstep, you quickstep. If she wants to waltz, waltz. After all, this is her night, not yours.
The dance is over, and it’s time to get her home. After-parties involve so many unneeded risks, like sickness, injury, and sometimes even death, so bring your date home right after. Again, arrive at her door and knock to the rhythm of her dad’s favorite rock song, and shake his hand once again, this time with even more vigor and malice. Wish his daughter goodbye and let her know how great of a night you had. If all has gone well, you should see the fruits of your labor with a sweaty yet tender side hug.
If you have any further inquiries about prom-related ideas, message me @[email protected] or find me at 701 Hillenkamp Drive. I would love to sit down with you love birds and discuss all things love over a glass of tea.
Sincerely,
The Love Doctor
