Love Doctor Update

Love Doctor Update

Miles Pim '22


Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, meaning that corporations, in an attempt to monetize love, will proceed to rub it in your face that you are alone. However, there are some of you, a select few who are not, those of you who took my advice. Because I have neglected to write this article until very close to the submission deadline, I have been unable to ask permission to share this student’s name, so I’m not going to. Instead, I will tell this story without any names at all. One day, I was walking down the hall when all of the sudden I felt someone near me. I turn, and to my surprise, there is a student, waiting patiently to tell me his news. I am eager to listen. 

“You’re the Love Doctor, right?” 

“Why, yes, I am, son.”

“Thanks to you, I got a girlfriend at the Bonfire!”

This was excellent news, I was elated. But I had to play it cool. I could not erupt into tears of joy for this young man in the middle of the hallway. That would have been embarrassing and the cool kids wouldn’t have let me sit at their table at lunch. 


The perfect response. Now, time for a little bit of honesty, I’m not sure how this kid accomplished this feat, but he sure as heck didn’t take my advice. Because if he had, he would have been sorely unsuccessful. From time to time, I do market research to ensure that my readers are getting top of the line information, and what I gave you was not that; according to the wonderful young woman I asked to homecoming, younger sister of Drew Steinhubl ‘22, it was “insulting and rude.” I apologize. I crashed and burned, and it was a dumpster fire, a miserable failure. You should expect more from me; I know I do. What I have come to find, however, is that Valentine’s Day is a successful holiday for large corporations every year, and it can be for you this year, too. How is that? Let me tell you.

Ladies love bad boys. And puppies. So I suggest stealing puppies, from an adoption center of course, because here at Love Doctor Inc. we do not support puppy mills. Also, be certain that you are able to provide for said puppy once it has been stolen, because that is the morally correct and responsible thing to do. Chocolates: another very important thing on Valentine’s Day, but be sure to keep the dog and the chocolate separate because it is poisonous for them. That would be foolish. Once you have acquired all of these things, you must acquire another: flowers. Poppies, handpicked from the battlefields of WWI, have been proven to work better than any other flower. Then you are to sneak over to her house at midnight and romantically throw rocks at her window, very small rocks, and don’t throw them hard. Just get her attention. She will then climb out of the window and sit on the roof that is right under her window, you will climb up the ivy on the side of the wall with your gifts. Present them to her one by one to woo her like a 13th century serf. After being presented with chocolate, puppies, flowers, and the fact that you are a bad boy, she has no choice but to fall in love with you. My last piece of advice to you is to not read Romeo and Juliet.