Bussen’s “Report” = Fake News


Scott Hessel, Theology Professor, Student Council Moderator

For best reading experience you may want to read prior: https://theprioryrecord.com/2021/04/investigative-report-100th-day-more-like-100-fraud/

A lion does not concern himself with the opinion of the sheep. 

While, as a general rule, I refrain from stooping to the level of intellectual, and frankly, physical, inferiors like Mr. Timothy Bussen — some of us actually have important jobs to do, after all — since the proverbial gauntlet has been thrown, and I fear that impressionable young minds may be swayed by his incoherent babbling, I feel compelled to respond publicly to defend the truth. 

Mr. Bussen’s claims of fraud rest upon two main premises: firstly, that STUCO’s generous distribution of delectable, delicious donuts was a celebration of our 100th day of school. Secondly, that March 4th was, in fact, our 107th day of school. Therefore, I, a humble public servant, was accused of being hopelessly and irredeemably corrupt. 

So, as difficult as it may be for Bussen to fathom, let’s proceed logically: 

Firstly, it was not a celebration of our 100th day of school. It was a celebration of our 100th day of in-person learning. While I realize that the shiny balloons may have distracted such a feeble mind as Bussen’s, I still would have expected an English teacher to be able to read. While we’re at it, perhaps somebody should inform this supposed craftsman of the English language that questions end in question marks. 

Does Bussen not think that words matter, that facts matter, and we can all go around claiming our own versions of what is true and real willy-nilly based on a whim? I will leave it to the discerning reader to decide. I, however, prefer the bedrock of objective fact. And that fact is that the universally-acclaimed celebration on March the 4th was specifically for our 100th day of in-person learning. 

Secondly, the math is wrong. I can perhaps forgive Bussen for being utterly incapable of even simple addition since admittedly 100 goes well beyond the normal amount of human fingers and so is likely beyond Bussen’s comprehension. But Ethan Foss? Et Tu Brute? Still, a grown man should perhaps not rely on the calculations of 15-year-olds. What’s next, Bussen? Having the 7th graders fill out your taxes? 

Although I would hardly expect Bussen’s infantile memory to be able to recall much beyond a day or perhaps two, the reader may perhaps recall the existence of snow days — those delightfully unexpected days off of school in which learning is done on the mean icy streets and hillsides, but not on campus and in classrooms. Did Bussen account for those in his diligent calculations? I think not. 

I could go on, but I think we have all seen how Bussen’s little house of cards he called an investigative report has quickly fallen apart when subjected to even a sliver of the cold light of truth. Since I am a forgiving man, I will still accept his apology for this humiliating display of kaleidoscopic ignorance and, more importantly, his immediate resignation. 

Until then, I will go back to quietly consolidating my own power and influence under the guise of the democratically-elected government we call the Student Council. And perhaps next time we hand out tasty treats, we’ll keep an empty bag on hand so Bussen remembers what happens when you make a run at that power…