Investigative Report: 100th Day? More Like 100% Fraud


Pictured is Mr. Bussen having to cleanse his eyes after discovering this scandal.

Tim Bussen, English Professor

As you surely remember, March 4, 2021 was a special day here at Saint Louis Priory. We were welcomed to school by signs and balloons announcing the 100th day of school. In the lobby, the student council treated us to individually-wrapped glazed doughnuts (which, this investigative reporter must admit, were delicious). 

Nevertheless, as I looked into the smiling faces of the STUCO officers that morning, my journalistic spidey-senses began to tingle. Yes, the celebration was a welcome. But something about the festivity felt hollow, even a bit sinister. What dark secret was shrouded by those smiling faces? Even I, renowned reporter that I am, couldn’t put my finger on it.

Enter intrepid statistical analyst Ethan Foss, freshman in my first period class. Apparently Ethan’s intuition raised the same alarm as mine. He decided to crunch some numbers.

I have within my possession Ethan’s personal planner which proves undeniably that MARCH 4 WAS THE 107TH DAY OF SCHOOL!

I’ll pause to let that sink in.

Let me suggest a few words to describe this situation. Fraud. Impropriety. Malfeasance. And, most accurately, CORRUPTION!

Readers of this space will certainly remember almost one year ago when I pulled back the curtain on Mr. Woodcock’s malevolent machinations which kept my ’rockin’ image off the cover of the 2020 [Raven] Rock issue of this very publication. Yet again I have sniffed out rotten corruption, this time in the most democratic of Priory’s institutions!

In an emailed statement STUCO officer Sami Haddad insists that STUCO is “one with the people,” and suggests that the body was “deceived by the administration.” “Administration” is a vague term. I wanted a more concrete answer, and received more clarity from fellow officer Devin Kancherla’s response.

“I tried warning Mr. Hessel,” lamented Kancherla, “of the hubris of attempting to defy the laws of spacetime by equating 100 and 107. A cloak of shame covers this man.”

While Haddad’s response was much more measured there was yet the suggestion of suspicion. All of STUCO “has felt like [Hessel]’s been a bit shifty recently,” he reported.

Do I know what motivated Mr. Hessel to deceive the very people he was appointed to serve? No. 

Will I spend every ounce of my energy exposing the darkness of his soul. Yes. 

Why? For the benefit of you, gentle reader, and your classmates. Because I care.

In the meantime, join me in demanding that Hessel be fired. That guy stinks.