The Love Doctors

The Love Doctors

Joe Berni and Carter Coleman, Writers

If you’re anyone special, you know that the Priory love doctors give the best advice every year. Unfortunately, Homecoming is not happening this year. But does that mean the show won’t go on? Does that mean that some measly thing such as a pandemic is going to slow down the romantical efforts of the men at Priory? Maybe for some, but not for Joe “Hercules” Berni and Carter “That weird guy that collects hamsters” Coleman, and we hope that you all can take our advice and achieve the sort of success that we do.


DO: Learn how to do a variety of Latin American Dances.

 While we take Latin class, many other schools in the area do not have that option, instead they take Latin dancing classes. Learning a few traditional Latin dances is crucial to being able to impress your date. Starting off with the Merengue and the Bachata will definitely keep you afloat on the dance floor, but with a few months of advanced salsa classes you’ll definitely be able to wow you date on the dance floor. 


DON’T: try to talk to someone next to Danny Leary

Some people just have that “it” factor. Danny is one of those people. If you think you’re really about to just put on the charm with Danny in the room and win the battle, you’re dead wrong. This rule is infallible and you don’t want to go and embarrass yourself like a fool.


DO: Polish those pearly whites.

Most dances are preceded by a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant like Momofuko Ko or Denny’s, and after some of those irresistible garlic fries your breath may be a little repulsive. Make sure to keep a portable toothbrush and some travel toothpaste and quickly excuse yourself to the little boy’s room to freshen up those chompers. You should be slipping out regularly throughout the night to brush your teeth. An optimal night would provide you with 17 opportunities to sneak off, but you only need to capitalize on 8 of them. Remember, a happy mouth is a happy mouth.


DON’T: Show off your hamster skeleton collection

As much as you may treasure your sweet little pets, this type of thing can be a bit of an unsettling surprise to spring on your date. Not to mention, they reek of broiled onions and cold mushroom stew. Furthermore, the five-gallon jug you use to hold all of them is bulky and will inconvenience you throughout the night. 


DO: be 5’1” and have red hair

Let’s talk about body demographics. I’m not trying to shame anyone here, but let’s just be honest. People who are 5’1” and have red hair are at a clear advantage over the rest of the common population and it is in your best interest to emulate this as best as you can. Certain ways to achieve this include walking on your knees and letting your hair sit in tomato sauce overnight.


DON’T: Make eye contact with Danny Leary. 


DO: Ask about the relationship status of their father. 

For this one, you don’t need to be too specific, just ask some general questions to get her talking, some good openers to get her spilling the beans on her dad’s availability would be;

“How’s the big guy doin’?”

“I want to date your dad.”

“Would that be ok?”

“What do you mean ‘Get out?’”