Note: Although this article was written before Prom and meant to be published in The Record’s originally scheduled April 19 issue, these words of advice can be used in any situation with your female friends.

Brethren. The flowers are blooming, the sun is shining, and thirty seniors are failing classes. In other words, spring is upon us. And few things are more synonymous with high school spring than Prom. Unfortunately, due to twisted social constructs, we men are expected and nearly required to procure a date. This whole process can be daunting, from asking her out, to promptly dropping her off at home at 9 p.m. So I’ve decided to offer a few pro tips. To best highlight these tips for you all, I connected them to the 12 Hallmarks for Benedictine Education with which you ought to be extremely familiar. 

• Love of God and Neighbor: Here we’re going to focus on mostly the love of neighbor. And if there’s one oracle that God proclaimed most in the Scriptures about loving your neighbor, it’s sharing with them the unlimited wealth of passive income. Dropshipping, investing in high-yield CDs or REITs, or even renting out your room to a tenant. Remember, you would rather make 1 cent of passive income every day than have $1 million immediately. Share this with her.

• Prayer and Worship: If you’ve been dragged into attending Prom with a Viz, Villa, St. Joe, MICDS, Burroughs, Nerinx, or Zumwalt South girl, perhaps indulge in a preliminary prayer for your sanity. I would encourage a visit to your local chapel or grotto with your date prior to the dance. 

• Listening: Here, I’m actually going to slightly disagree with St. Benedict. Do not listen to your date. Unless you have a burning desire to learn what new products she procured from the most recent Sephora sample sale, I suggest you deviate from the book here. She won’t mind one bit and you can get back to eating that chicken. In the rarity that she does mind, I suggest a prime Pat Bev “He’s too small” celebration to calm the situation down. 

• Discipline: In all of the chaotic hubbub of Prom season, it can be tempting to fall into the extreme vice of the “promposal.” DO NOT, under any circumstances, engage in this type of utter tomfoolery. I describe it as such because you will look like a FOOL. I suggest something more classic and timeless, perhaps a simple fax (assuming you have already taken her fax number) or an arranged marriage. 

• Moral and Spiritual Development: I think here, using the Benedictine value of “listening with the ear of your heart,” St. Benedict also implies the importance of physical development. Do push ups and constantly remind your date that you can lift her (in the event that you can’t, just tell her she looks like a queen).

• Community and Stability: Here St. Benedict likely refers to financial stability. In order to establish such security you’ll need to be frugal. If she says yes to attending Prom with you, remind her that she will be paying for her own ticket. I would recommend tacking on a royalty and even a modest interest for this to remain in the realm of 80-140%. Your date will most likely be used to these steep percentages from iPad tips during her twice-daily visits to Starbucks.

• Hospitality: Girls need compliments. Remind her how well her mustache is growing in. 

• Stewardship: In recognition of the Benedictine value of stewardship, I urge you to exemplify some key behaviors common at Priory dances. Tie a tie around your head like a headband. You are chill and innovative and you know it, and now all the girls do too. Do the worm in the middle of the mosh circle or a cool breakdance head spin. Everyone will immediately recognize how popular you should be. Or perhaps, for the more reserved, retreat to your seat at the dinner table and watch Instagram Reels or complete your daily missions on your mobile video game of choice. No matter what, though, act like the group leader: organize the mosh, scream violently during every song, and lose at least three buttons on your shirt. These are all sure to preserve the Priory dance experience we all cherish. 

• Humility: Inevitably, your date will bring up the horrifying inquiry used by countless high school Prom attendees in the past, “Does this dress make me look fat?” You find yourself in an incredibly volatile situation. One wrong syllable or glance and you’ll end up on her girls-only private story. This means we must find a way to expertly diffuse this situation. I suggest something indifferent, yet confident, “Yes. Although that’s the only dress that does.” Or maybe, “No you look better than usual today.” Honesty infatuates dates (no pun intended), and you have now passed the pinnacle of tests.

•  Obedience: Stay obedient to natural law. Don’t embarrass yourself by bothering the waiter that you’re “gluten-free” and cannot eat the lightly breaded chicken. People used to have to run from velociraptors to get a loaf of bread, and now we are turning it down all in the name of a Keto diet. Gross. 

• Work: If your valiant bid to ask a girl to Prom does not work (e.g. she tells you she has a phantom out-of-town club volleyball tournament she has to go to even though it is currently high school season but she would have loved to go) find a way to make things work. Past love doctors encourage a classmate’s sister, which is all well and good, but why not their mother? If you know a kid who is especially misbehaved, the presence of his mother could help keep him in line.

• Conversion: After successfully courting a young lass (or a pleasantly middle-aged lass) and smiling for thousands of pictures that you will never see because her eyebrows look funny, you must saddle up and dig your heels into the side of your trusty steed (your grandmother’s abused Hyundai that only starts when you punch the radio). Now, you could be faced with a harrowing choice of music. Most likely, your date now considers herself a daughter of Drake or Taylor Swift after attending their concerts and being “inspired.” You must convert her. Here, I can only suggest either Yrwin’s original piano composition “Waltz,” or total silence. Only break this silence with intermittent primal shreiks while banging on your chest.

If you follow these tips I cannot guarantee that you will have a date by the end of the night. In fact, I can almost guarantee you won’t. I can promise that your date, however infuriated and enraged she may be, won’t see you as a fool or a goof but rather as a steward of St. Benedict’s principles. And perhaps that’s all that matters this Prom season. God Bless.

-The Love Doctor.