Every October, the system plays its cruel little trick. The leaves begin to drop, Target tosses out
20 aisles of pumpkin-scented nonsense, and all of a sudden, we’re all told: It’s pants season. Let’s not kid ourselves,
people, this is St. Louis. October here doesn’t mean flannels and sleeves. It means walking outside and instantly feeling
like you’ve stepped into a crockpot set to humid. It means the morning news lies to your face with phrases like “a crisp
fall day,” while in reality, you’re slowly roasting with the mysterious temperatures and smells in Mr. Barrett’s Room 205.
I’ve had enough, you’ve had enough, and it’s time for a change. And yet, despite this, the system demands we cover
our knees like it’s January in Minnesota. This is not weather awareness. This is oppression.
The system will tell you pants
are “appropriate.” Appropriate for who?
Penguins? Henry Hibey? What’s with that guy
always wearing pants? Pants in a St. Louis
October are about as appropriate as wearing
a scarf in a sauna. Meanwhile, shorts, the
obvious solution, are outlawed as though an
exposed shin might destroy our school. The
system doesn’t fear our legs. The system fears
what our legs represent: freedom. Let’s look
at the numbers. A groundbreaking study by
the National Institute of Real Science (NIRS)
found that students forced into pants on hot
days lose 41 percent of their brain function,
67 percent of their motivation, and 100
percent of their ability to focus on anything
other than the swamp forming inside
their pants. Meanwhile, students in shorts
demonstrated a 99 percent increase in overall
happiness, a 74 percent boost in productivity,
and, in some cases, the ability for the senior
class to stay awake during chaplaincy. The
evidence is clear: cooler legs = better grades =
a brighter future.
Notice how at the end of September, nobody
wears pants. I’d even venture to say that if you are one
of the jabronis wearing pants this early, you’re either
part of the system or hired by the system in an effort to
minimize our freedom. This is not about fashion. This is
about survival. Shorts are not an accessory, they are a
necessity. Shorts are democracy. Shorts are liberty. And
if the system thinks we will suffer silently… it is gravely
mistaken.
