Greetings fellow Ravens,
Some of you may know me as Max Nadaud,
but as the homecoming season rolls around, I
prefer the alias, “The Love Doctor.” Through my
tales and triumphs with the female population,
I have picked up many tips and tricks on how to
swoon the ladies, and I hope they help you in your
quest. Homecoming is only eight days away, and
many of you might think it is too late to make a
move on your potential prospect. But do not fear,
for the Love Doctor is here.
Your first course of action? Show up to
her house un-announced; it adds an element
of surprise. Make sure to bring a bouquet of
hydrangeas (recently pollinated), a crafty sign,
and a boom box so you can play “Or Nah” by The
Weeknd. This combination will serenade her into
saying yes, landing you a date at homecoming.
It’s also important to note that making a good
first impression with her parents is always a plus.
When I was preparing to meet my date’s dad, I
would always wash my hands with sandpaper and
use a grip strengthener in preparation to shake his
hand. Some may see this as overkill, but you only
get one chance to make a first impression, so you
better do it right.
Example of a good use of the boom box
Now, when it comes to the day of the dance,
there is a very strict curriculum one must follow to
ensure your date has a great night. First, wake up at
5 a.m. and text her, “Goodmorning Princess.” When
she wakes up and sees the text, a smile from ear
to ear will appear on her face, and she will know
that she got a good one. Next, arrive at her house
at precisely 10:32 with her Starbucks order and a
cute cake pop. Everyone knows girls like guys who
remember the little things about them, so this is a
very important step.
After leaving her house, return home and began
preparing for the dance. Make sure that you have picked
out a tie that matches the color of her dress, and pick
up her corsage along with another bouquet of roses,
again must be recently pollinated. And now that you
are dressed in your Sunday best, head on over to RP
Exotics on Warson Road to rent a 1959 Jaguar XK120
convertible. Girls love riding in convertibles and having
the wind blow in their hair. Then, drive to her house
(going 5 under the speed limit) and knock 3 times on her
door so she knows it’s you.
When she opens the door, tell her how pretty
she looks, and make sure to remind her every 8.5
minutes throughout the night. Before heading to the
dance, make sure to take some pictures with her, and
of course make sure she’s on her good side.
Driving to the dance, be sure that you have done
your research on what music she likes. I’d recommend
some Frank Ocean, Clairo, or Lorde. Again, make sure
that you are driving well under the speed limit, as her
parents likely have her Life 360 and want to know that
you are a trustworthy guy. Arriving at the dance, make
sure to open her door for her and lay out a trail of rose
pedals to the gym door. If there is any dirt and/or water
on the ground, lay out your coat over the hazard to
ensure her cleanliness. Once you enter the gym, make your way
to the DJ table and slip him a crisp Abe Lincoln and
request a slow song be played. My go to is usually
“Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran or “Say You
Won’t Let Go” by James Arthur. When one of these
two songs come on, hold out your hand and ask her
“May I have this dance?” If you have closely followed
my steps, you should like what you hear. When on
the dance floor, make sure to arrange everyone into
a circle, and get a spotlight shined down on you and
your date. My go to slow dance form is Bolero, but
a Bachata or a Rumba would also suffice. Be sure
to end the dance with a smooch on her cheek (ask
permission first.) The most important part of your
solo dance is what comes after. Girls hate guys who
are too clingy and easy, so give her a little chase
and go mosh with your boys after so she thinks she
still has to win you. Everyone knows getting sweaty
with your boys on the dance floor is the best part of
homecoming, and if you don’t think so I hope this
changes your mind.
After the dance, it’s important to take her
straight home for a good night’s sleep. After parties
are lame and filled with germs, so there really is no
need to go to one. Last year’s senior homecoming
after party was a direct cause of the resurgence of
the black plague, and is also directly what started
the Covid pandemic in 2020. Once you make it to her
house, let her know how great of a time you had,
and if all goes well, she should give you a fistbump,
letting you know that you’ve sealed the deal. Any
further inquiries on the topic of love please send to
[email protected]. I wish you all the
best of luck!
Sincerely, The Love Doctor
