Found on the floor of Room 301. Most likely blown off the teacher’s desk by the annoying HVAC vent.
The Law offices of Griesbauer, Griesbauer and More Griesbauers,
“Truth, Justice and Punitive Damages”
Transcript from the deposition of Luke Glarner for slander, editor of The Record. March 4, 2025, 3 P.M. Dr. Griesbauer questioning and his notes in parenthesis.
Luke, you understand that this deposition is the same as appearing in court. You are under oath and all of your answers must be truthful and statutes concerning perjury can be applied.
“Yes, I do.” (He is already sweating. This is off to a good start.)
When was this plot to make me the “negative feature” of the Teacher Edition of The Record conceived?
“Repeat the question. What do you mean by the negative? This was not a negative feature, Smug Apple is good.” (His eyes are drifting up and to the left—a clear sign of lying.)
How many members of the editorial staff of the paper were involved?
“Just me.” (The jury will easily notice the nervous twitching.)
Was this plot conceived, promoted, and forced upon the school by Mr. Woodcock?
“No. It was promoted by me.” (So, is trying to be the rugged hero or did he act alone?)
With your vast experience in journalism, I know you are well aware of the Supreme Court case of NY Times v. Sullivan. How did you plan to defend yourself from the obvious accusation of malice aforethought?
“I hoped it would slide by and no one would notice. I am very surprised to be called out.” (He admitted to actual malice. The only question now is how much money can I get.)
Was this plot connected in any way to AP Microeconomics class?
“Yes, but I would rather not answer any further.”
Do you intend to invoke your Fifth Amendment privileges?
“Yes.” (So nervous he invoked his privilege after admitting his guilt. Now the motive is clear. Revenge, as old as the stories in the Bible. The dollars are adding up.)
While I did not play Division III basketball during the NIL era, it seems The Record has boosted its distribution considerably by using my image and likeness for this issue. How many additional issues were sold with my image on both the front and back cover?
“Your image was not on the front cover. Zero copies were “sold” with you on the front and back cover.” (Perfect set-up for my next question.)
Goat, overalls, Amish hat in a farm setting. Why was Mr. Ward’s face transposed on an image that was clearly intended to represent Dr. Griesbauer?
“Very good question. This was not the original image I had planned on using. Thursday night I was told the cover needed to be changed because it was considered inappropriate. I chose a second image.” (A second admission of guilt. Where’s the jelly? I smell toast.)
Was Mr. Ward a party to this deception?
“Mr. Ward did not know he was being featured. His picture was simply taken from Priory files.”
Was Mr. Ward compensated for his participation?
“No.” (I knew Mr. Ward was too good to participate in this heinous act. Time to look for vacation property on the Amalfi coast!)
Thank you for your time, Luke. This has been very helpful. (For my bank account.) My office will be contacting you again soon.
