Dating is difficult, but it needn’t be. With a guy like me in your corner, what could go wrong?
Here are some dos and don’ts that will serve you well-ish during the season of love.
DON’T: Smell really bad. Use a wire brush and harsh detergents to scrub your filthy body. This will remove foul odors and also, maybe, your skin. Suck it up.
DO: Arrive on time. To avoid being late I suggest your dad’s method for getting to the airport. If you tell your date you’ll pick her up at seven, arrive at her door at 3:15.
DON’T: Drive a 1991 Volvo station wagon with a missing hubcap. I think it’s hot, but no one else seems to agree.
DO: Wear pants. This is nonnegotiable.
DO: Ask your date about herself. “I like bread. Do you like bread?”
DON’T: Engage in conversation about sensitive subjects. These include politics, religion, and the weather. It’s probably best to just focus on bread. Whole grain! Pumpernickel! Knock yourself out!
DO: Have a moustache. Just ask me, Mr. Orf, or Charlie Wagner!
DON’T: Smell really bad. Redundant, but I’ve smelled you guys. Soap is nothing to fear.
DO: Wear a pastel-hued tuxedo with a ruffled shirt. You’re still reading this? What’s wrong with you?!
DON’T: Vomit all over yourself. Everyone gets nervous. It’s natural. But you need to choke it down – vomiting on yourself will make you look like a fool.
DO: Be charming. Whenever you feel compelled to do something, do the exact opposite. At all costs never reveal your disgusting authentic self.
