It’s fight night in the Raven dome, and we have some heaters for the spectators. There are six fights on the card for the bonfire. We will be breaking down each matchup and giving possible bettors some insight. Our first fight of the night will be Barrett v. Holmes. Barrett does have the weight advantage, but according to experts Mr. Holmes has been said to “watch a lot of wrestling.” This fight will follow MMA rules so this wrestling expertise could come into play. It’s a nail biter of a fight but Mr. Barrett’s size advantage and apparent apathy towards the welfare of others likely gives him a slight edge over Mr. Holmes. Our second fight of the night is the battle of the brits, Dixon v. Woodcock. This one is a classic civil war showdown, Northern England v. Southern. I’m giving this one to Dixon. In an interview with our in-house expert analyst, Mr. Barrett, he says that “Mr. Dixon’s experience at the pubs will carry him through.” Immediately following the battle of the brits is the battle of the nerds, Santa Cruz v. Ward. Fellow nerd, Mr. Rivera had this to say about the bout: “It’s a tough one because Ward is going to follow the rules, he’s a stand up guy. Santa Cruz on the other hand will do whatever it takes to win. He fights a scorched earth fight. If it’s a fair fight I’m taking Ward, but if Santa Cruz is allowed to fight his fight I take him.” This next fight is one of the closest fights on the card, Fr. Athanasius v. Fr. Aiden. Fr. Aiden has been described as a tree knot, tough as nails and very difficult to move. However, people in Athanasius’ stats class have claimed that he is “a stoic, borderline sociopath, he is unphased and hyper focused.” Analysts have this one deadlocked, they cannot declare a favorite at this point in time, all bets would be gambles on this one.
Now we move into our two main matches. The first of these is Dr. G v. Mr. Malecek. All analysts have Doc on this one. He is a man of the land. Hailing from Troy Missouri, Doc slaughters and prepares his own food, builds his own barn and home additions, and is a true red blooded, salt of the earth American made man. Mr. Malecek has wits about him, and certainly a cold blooded side, but most don’t think this will be enough to take down Doc. The title fight is the last fight of the night. It is a rematch between Bussen, and Plaxco. They had their informal fight two years ago, and Plaxco was victorious, however Bussen has allegedly “gotten significantly heavier.” Plaxco claims that Bussen is a “degenerate” and he basically said that he would beat him with ease. It’s anyone’s fight in this one, but most experts have Bussen simply due to his size advantage, and rambunctious nature. It’s going to be a bloody night, so gentlemen, let’s get ready to rumble.
*disclaimer no one would fight Archibald, he’s too huge.
