Well gentlemen, it’s around that time again. Leaves are on the ground and love is in the air. For many of us students at the Saint Louis Priory School and Abbey, this means another season of loneliness. But with my help, that doesn’t have to be the case. If you would rather entreat thy company to see the wonders of the world abroad, than, living dully sluggardized at home, then listen to my words of wisdom.
In order to procure a date, you must first ask her. Preferably, this is someone whomst you are on a first name basis. Obvious choices would be your friend’s sister or ex-girlfriend’s best friend. Ask your female of choice if she wants to hang out with you. Make sure you have a fun activity planned. This activity could be attending a slam poetry reading, foraging for plants behind the local Walmart, or long-distance running. Compliment your female frequently while on the date (I’m told they are rather fond of this). You can never go wrong with a Bible-related compliment. Tell her “Thy hair is as a flock of goats that appear from Mount Gilead.” Once she is adequately flummoxed by your eloquent verbiage, it’s time to bust out that poster. This poster should establish that you would like to take the girl to homecoming with a silly and or whimsical line relating to an activity or hobby your female of choice enjoys. If she says no, turn around and sprint away at full speed. You can try again at Viz-Priory. However, more likely than not, she will say yes and you will now have a date to homecoming.
On the day of, make sure to give your date plenty of time to get ready. Remember kings, if she says she’ll be ready in five minutes, she means she’ll be ready in five football minutes when both teams have all of their timeouts left. No matter when you get to her house, you’ll be there early. You will inevitably have to make awkward small talk with her father. You’re going to want to come off as manly and well-educated to win the dad over. Talk to him about current events like the social climate of the Qin Dynasty. Mention your love of cross country and various other contact sports. After an hour or so, your date will be ready to get in your mom’s Honda Civic and go to the dance.
At the dance, you’re going to want to show off the most stylish dance moves known to the 20th century. I’m talking moonwalking, pop-locking, the running man, and if you’re skilled enough hammer time. Remember guys, this is a Catholic based social function so let us remember to keep it PG and ruckus free. At approximately 9:30, the dance will end. Make sure to exit in an orderly fashion as to avoid safety hazards. There shant be any after partying so take your date straight home and give her a high five if you’re feeling intimate.
That’s about as much information as I can fit in this article. Have a good homecoming guys and if you have any more questions, don’t hesitate to reach out.
Sincerely, The Love Doctor
