The Queen of Christmas’s Master Plan


Mariah Carey in Santa Uniform

Jack Nowak '23

T’is not the season to be jolly. Mariah Carey, the self-proclaimed “Queen of Christmas”, has made a sinister attempt to start the holiday season the day after Halloween was truly disheartening to those of us who still retain our reason. Still more sinister is the trend of beginning the Christmas season earlier and earlier. It seems as though Mariah Carey does indeed want a lot for Christmas. Yes folks, it’s that time of year between Halloween and Thanksgiving, the time when too many fallen souls succumb to the temptations of 102.5’s Christmas radio. 

Long has the time passed since Advent was the acceptable time for Christmas trees and Michael Bublé. People became too impatient to wait for the purple candles and thus moved the start of the holiday season to the day after Thanksgiving. This move was thought to be reasonable, after all, the day after Thanksgiving was close to Advent and something was needed to fill the dreary few days between the two. But lo, such a change has only aided the Christmas Queen’s master plan: to claim the whole year for herself and her music, and to destroy every last holiday in her way. Before you call me nothing more than a crazed conspiracy theorist, and, worse yet, a Grinch, let me lay out to you why this is the case. 

On Oct. 29, 1994, a mere mortal known as Mariah Carey released her album that led to her ascent to the holiday throne: Merry Christmas. With such a deceptively innocent title, Carey began her master plan. Despite the ridiculously early release of the album, her music was not listened to by the sane portion of the public until the appropriate time. However, the strength of many is waning as more and more people accept her most recent decree that the Christmas season has begun. Her “majesty” just recently released a video the day after Halloween. I encourage you all to avoid it at all costs. In this atrocity of a video, she made the audacious claim that the season had begun. 

Rather than fighting this laughable claim, our own radio stations, namely 102.5, have mindlessly obeyed and have brought about chaos and confusion. Many neighbors, and perhaps even some students at this very school, have put up Christmas lights and trees. I beg these people to think of the inevitable ramifications of their actions. Thanksgiving was once allotted the time between Halloween and Advent. But now, I wonder if my generation’s children will ever have a Thanksgiving feast. Will they ever know the joy that turkey and pumpkin pie have to offer? If the Queen of Christmas gets her way, they will never know this holiday existed. Enjoy this year’s Thanksgiving… it may be your last.