Mr. Autumn Man


Dr. Plaxco

Cole Joyce '23

St. LOUIS–The acorns, leaves, and twigs crunching pleasantly beneath his navy blue Allbirds Tree Runners, Mr. Autumn Man Kellen Plaxco (age 28?), reportedly strolled past Fr. Cuthbert on his way to Chaplaincy on Wednesday morning wearing his signature Vineyard Vines navy vest over a classic navy checkered shirt. Plaxco cradled his mug of pumpkin-spiced coffee, relishing the cool October morning with his similarly-colored hair.

“Nothing beats autumn on this campus,” said the Supreme Chancellor of Fall, who had begun the morning swaddled in a flannel blanket, thinking of new and clever ways to punish underclassmen for their outlandish antics, as is his custom this time of year. “Everywhere leaves are falling and temperatures are cooling. The summer dress code is over. You can smell it in the air everywhere.”

Sources speculate that Mr. Fall loves apple-picking for Cosmic Crisps, Thanksgiving, seasonal J-Crew catalogs, Homecoming bonfires, haunted hayrides, and gratitude journals. He emerges reliably on campus this time each year in his traditional uniform, sometimes alternating his trademark vest with a quarter-zip pullover. The change in weather and the arrival of fall signifies his annual change from Vineyard Vines summer attire into the J-Crew October Collection.

The Autumnal Ambassador is also reported to have been seen taking weekly visits to Fr. Cassian’s garden in search of gourds, root vegetables, and other seasonal produce. He is rumored to display such seasonal delicacies at his weekly Thursday Night Football gatherings near his backyard fire pit, where he eats wings with his colleagues. Mr. Scott Hessel (age 54?), who is yet to receive an invitation to these gatherings, explains that “it is imprudent to indulge in such pleasures on a Thursday night when there is work to be done, but if I were invited, then yes, it would be moral to go.”

His excellency, the Duke of Fall, who handcrafted an oak table in the midst of the COVID-19 Pandemic, appreciates the day-to-day life of autumn on campus. He finds joy in the small things that campus has to offer this time of year: closing hymns that are “absolute bangers,”  listening to Mr. Hessel take credit for the school’s discovery of the new apple breed, “Cosmic Crisp,” and learning the Mr. Tim Malecek doctrine of how to properly guard a Dining Hall door.

“You’ve got to take it all in and enjoy it while you still can, though, because December will be here in the blink of an eye,” he added. According to reports, Mr. Fall will then put on a down jacket with a fur-trimmed hood and start to get short with students and colleagues because the early sunset “affects his mood,” thus signaling the completion of his metamorphosis into “Dr. Plaxco.”