Criminals on Campus

Dearest Ravens, there has been no crime with enough proof to put any student behind bars. However, the entirety of the student body is guilty of wearing hoodies with college sports teams logos that are deeply disruptive to the classroom. Apart from the hoodie fiasco, one interesting case stands out. My name is detective Charles L’Hommedieu and this month I present a case based upon circumstantial – yet compelling – evidence.

As many of you know, the scheduled days of school on Wednesday, Oct. 12 and Thursday, Oct. 13 were called off due to a break in the primary water main on campus. While most would point to the multitude of construction projects going on around campus, and specifically the work on the pipes in the quad, as causes of this disaster, I see something deeper at work. A certain Samuel Willie ‘23 is the suspect. Before I divulge the details of this case, the central question must be asked, “Why would a student break the water main?” The answer is simple: time off school. Warning: the evidence that follows is deeply disturbing as it clearly shows what Mr. Willie has done. 

In my opinion, this plan has been in the works for a long time. As long ago as last winter, Mr. Willie was in the habit of carrying the book, The Global Underground. I believe this read was to give Mr. Willie significant background knowledge about sewer and irrigation systems. During the Spring term he was also seen viewing sewer maps of St. Louis. Additionally, he wrote a comprehensive sewer article for The Record. When it came time to choose senior thesis topics, Mr. Willie enacted the perfect cover up. He chose the topic, “pumped hydrostatic storage.” What does that mean to anyone but Mr. Willie? It was a complex cover up for a devious plan to devastate Priory’s aquatic infrastructure. It makes perfect sense; Mr. Willie would have at least 45 minutes every day to research and scheme. During summer, he would constantly ask his peers of the Class of 2023 if they would like to go explore a sewer with him. To most it seemed like an innocent chance to have fun with friends, but now his true motives are revealed. There is no doubt in my mind that Mr. Willie used sewers around the St. Louis area all summer to gather experience and flesh out his plan.

Upon returning to school, Mr. Willie has shared some of his favorite pictures from the summer. He even shared one from within the sewers of our very own campus (see Exhibit 1A). Similar to the Joker’s riddle or puzzle before each crime, Mr. Willie airdropped pictures of the Priory utlities map to his peers (see Exhibit 1B). Most innocently asked, “where do you obtain a thing like this?”, but now his calling card is clear. When asked about where he was on the morning of Sunday, October 9th, Mr. Willie came up with the convincing alibi: “I was in the sewers dude.” In recent weeks, Mr. Willie has attempted to play the fool by making bad jokes about the Mad Max film series and playing Russian hardbass in the senior lounge. The evidence is extremely convincing and Mr. Willie’s alibi does not support his defense. There is no doubt in my mind he is the culprit. 

I asked our Student Council President, Drew Limp ‘23, how he felt about this controversial case. “He’s the hero Priory deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark raven.” This case is closed.