Advice from the Love Doctor

Mark Villa '23

If you are reading this article, Homecoming is tomorrow. I know it’s short notice and that for the past several nights you haven’t been able to sleep because of how nervous you are that  you actually have to talk to a girl in person. Well, I’ve worked miracles in the past and I’m sure you all are no exception. I’m assuming that, because you are a Priory student, this is the first time you’re meeting your date, who is probably your friend’s sister or a girl you haven’t talked to since grade school. So yeah, the first hour is going to be awkward. Luckily, the Love Doctor is here to help. 

Conversation starters and fun facts are always good to have. Make sure you find the balance between talking constantly and being the creep who just sits and stares into the abyss. Making conversation is the most important skill to harness throughout the night. You’ve got to keep things fresh and, most importantly, keep her on her toes. She can’t possibly know what your next thought will be. Remember, girls love a mysterious man. Through years of research and countless hours spent in the lab, I have crafted the most effective conversation starters, which are guaranteed to make you the most memorable and interesting guy she will meet. Here are some of my favorites:


“What’s your favorite dinosaur?”

-If she says anything other than a stegosaurus, she’s not the one. Immediately say you have to use the restroom and leave the area. Go home and stare at the awesome stegosaurus poster in your room for the rest of the night. Search for another woman to share your dinosaur prowess with for the Viz-Priory dance.


“Did you know that lightbulbs are actually made out of fragments of the sun?”

-If she questions this fact, which might happen, point out that you go to Priory and you know a lot about nerdy stuff. She will be impressed by your superior intelligence. 


“Why is the sky blue?”

-This is not a conversation starter. This is something that I am actually wondering. If you have any answers please let me know. 


“Hummus. What are your thoughts on it?”


“What do you think about the political repercussions of the discontinuation of the Choco Taco?”


“Why has Family Guy gone downhill for the past 10 years?”


Now let’s say the night is not going as planned. Maybe your date is just completely disengaged with you. Maybe she’s more interested in Ethan Vernaci, because she was immediately drawn to his sumptuous body. She will undoubtedly ask what his workout routine is. Anyways, there is a tactic used by only the most daring of men. Go full eighth-century Viking. Assuming you have the backup costume underneath your coat and tie, all you have to do is violently rip off your nice clothes in a Hulk-like fashion to reveal your Viking attire. Although your physique will still be inferior to Vern’s, your date will be flabbergasted by your awesomeness. I mean, who doesn’t like Vikings?

Well, that’s about all the wisdom I can bestow upon you guys. Remember, in the end, these dances are for fun. Don’t stress too much about impressing your date. Have a good time with your friends and enjoy the experience. After all, you are only in high school once. If you have any questions, please feel free to visit me anytime in my office (the 300s bathroom). I’ll see you all at the dance. Good luck.