Love Doctors: Prom

I know you are all happy to see me again, but this is my farewell letter to you as the Love Doctor. My time with you has been short and sweet, and I am glad to have made an impact on your lives, but, before I depart, there is one more obstacle I must help you overcome: Prom. The thing. Something that has always baffled me about prom is that girls seem to care about it. In my infinite wisdom, I have only ever been able to not do one thing: step into the mind of the opposite sex (speculate, for those of you on the [state qualifying] Mock Trial team). I have tried, and believe me, it is a messy place. A scary, horrifying place. We men are simple creatures: we enjoy watching people throw big rocks off of bridges into water, or watching sheets of ice shatter into mesmerizing patterns. Women, on the other hand, are much more complicated. Every year, their bodies succumb to the overwhelming urge to spend absurd amounts of money on dresses they will wear once and take pictures with someone they’ve been set up with by their best friend. Somehow or another, hopefully, you have been able to realize that prom is a big deal. I would hope that you know a female by now. If not, I have already failed.

As you can see, many of my clients knew very few women, but after taking my course, their attractiveness skyrocketed. Women were dying to meet them. I’ll give you a little secret: it has to do with the Pygmalion effect. Back to the matter at hand, you now know women. A simple stress-free way to go about the whole prom thing would be to go with a person you have taken to another dance, someone fun. Let’s face it, the last thing you want is for the dance to be boring. If you don’t want to take the easy way out, you can message an Instagram celebrity and falsify a sob story so they hopefully take pity on you and agree to go to a dance with you for clout on the internet. This second option is what I would do, because if it doesn’t work out, you can always text the multiple backups you now have because you have taken my previous advice. Besides, as I have heard from my female acquaintances, it does not take them long at all to find a dress and get ready for dances. They actually prefer it when you ask them last minute. In order to form this sob story, you will need to make it believable, outlandish, yet believable. The tragedy has to be great (in magnitude) and the effects of the tragedy on your life must be unparalleled. Very few celebrities will even bat an eye at a story that is titled “I Lost My Job and Now My Only Source of Income Is Tricking People Into Believing You Know How To Get Girls by Writing 3 Articles in a Local High School’s Newspaper and Forging Graphs to Prove that My Methods Work.” While that is a devastating story and any beautiful actresses with great personalities that may happen to stumble across that article should most definitely reach out to the author of that article and offer to assist them in any way possible, that won’t turn heads. Here is an example of a truly heart-wrenching title: “While I Was Cleaning My Room, I Accidentally Put My Pet Goldfish Into My Box of Goldfish® and Ate Him Along With the Rest of The Snack That Smiles Back.” If you do this correctly, it is foolproof. You will, 100% of the time, get a date out of this, and once you do, it’s easy. The dance process is very similar to that of the others. So please refer back to my previous articles if you need assistance in that department. There is one thing, however, that is somewhat complicated. It is customary to wear tuxedos to prom, and with tuxedos come bowties. Given that many of you still don’t know how to tie a regular tie it seems that I will have to help you with this. First, place the tie around your neck, then take one end and put it over the other end. Then put that same end through the loop you created. Then take the other end and fold it. Then take the first end and cover the second folded end. Then take the folded end and fold it over the unfolded end that is covering part of the folded end. Then fold the unfolded end and place it through the loop you created with the previously unfolded end. Then pull both ends and Tada!!! You have a fully tied bowtie. With that, sadly, I wish you all the best of luck, and I bid you adieu. This is the Love Doctor signing off.