Hessel No Mask

Hessel No Mask

Greyson Antes '22

On the morning of Wednesday, Jan. 5 of the New Year, one Mr. Scott Hessel was spotted in his office – maskless. The garments of cloth that apparently protect one from life and death were attached to the right ear but were left dangling, unattached to the left side of his face. 

You may (m)ask, why does this matter? This matters because, in this moment of glory, Mr. Hessel’s goatee was visible in all its brilliance. I decided that I must show all of you the still-existing ability of Mr. Hessel to grow an unheard-of amount of facial hair. For years, years, I tell you, I, as well as the rest of the community, have been deprived of ever seeing the goatee and even, at times, questioning its existence. And if this marvelous spectacle had not been captured and immortalized, my soul would still yearn for the goatee. But alas! The breathtaking moments that I had shared with the goatee have been now reinvigorated into a clear video montage in my head.

This great photograph also perfectly captures what it means to be able to grow a goatee, as Martin Luther King Jr. is with Mr. Hessel. MLK, too, was a man of great facial hair, although he could never master a goatee. Only a mustache. MLK himself was quoted as saying, “If I had been able to grow a goatee, I would have climbed the mountain top.” Or something like that.

The moral of the story is that, if you have facial hair, show it off baby. For too long we have been taken away from basking in the glory of staches, goatees, and beards. I miss the absurd masculinity presented to me by being lectured to by a bearded Mr. Orf, a stached Mr. Finan, and a goateed (goated) Scotty Hessel. Give me facial hair, or give me death!

Now, I wonder, will Mr. Bussen and Mr. Hessel have a facial hair contest? Or is the robot Scotty incapable of growing anything more or anything less than what currently rests upon his face? Only time will tell.