Santa is Real!


Matthew Broder, Editor

Reading the title I’m sure brought a great shock to many of you. Matthew Broder, the infamous Santa denier, writing an article defending the existence of Santa Claus? Yes, it is true that I once was lost in darkness, and by once I mean about a week ago. But I have seen the light! Santa Claus is real! And I’m going to prove to you why I have undergone such a dramatic transformation.

First and foremost, let’s look at the obvious. On Christmas day, there are always presents under the Christmas tree. And what do those presents say on them? “From: Santa” I could honestly end the article right here. What more proof do you need? You Santa deniers will say, “Well, it was just your parents who wrote that.” Try again, idiot. Last I checked, forging a signature is a felony in this country! Are you really trying to tell me that my parents would risk going to jail just to keep the charade going? Absurd!

Secondly, ever since I was a little boy, I have always left milk and cookies out for Santa Claus. And every Christmas morning, they’re gone. You tell me where they went. The obvious answer is that Santa visited my house in the night and ate them. “Oh, but it was just my parents who ate them,” you say. I wish you could hear how stupid you sound right now. No, my parents did not eat them because then they would be lying to me, and lying is a sin. You really think my parents would choose to sin like that, on the birthday of Christ no less? Egregious!

My third point requires a little bit of background information. In case you’re unaware, NORAD tracks Santa every Christmas Eve. If you visit, you can watch Santa’s journey on Dec. 24th. They use radar and other advanced technologies to pinpoint Santa’s exact location and share it with the world. If Santa isn’t real, then what are they tracking? “No, the website is just simulating the tracking of Santa and displaying predetermined location information to you,” you say. You just don’t quit, do you? Have you ever seen the government operate? It takes two months to get permission to go to the bathroom with those guys. They’ve been working on the streets near my house for a year now, and I think they’ve done more damage than they’ve fixed. The government doesn’t care enough to dedicate precious time and resources to something that’s fake. The obvious answer here is that Santa is real and every Christmas eve he flies through US airspace, which is why NORAD wants to track him. Come back with real evidence next time!

Honestly, I don’t know what more I can give you. If what I’ve given you won’t convince you, nothing will. In the words of Bill Murray, “It’s hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it’s damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.” I hope Santa has mercy on you and keeps you on the nice list. All I know is, I’m going to have a tree full of presents next Saturday. Unlike some people.