The Yuletide season is one that was never attractive to me. All of this “Christmas Cheer,” for what? To feign the existence of an obese mythical criminal who annually commits felonies by breaking and entering homes through a chimney, into which he physically cannot fit. We continually overlook the fact that his large, childbearing hips do not have the shrinking capabilities of the trash pandas we call raccoons, simply because he drops off gifts at the base of the large plants that we perennially murder in order to stink up our family rooms and cover the floor with green needles. 

If you haven’t yet noticed, I don’t think Santa is real. I have evidence to back this up: don’t think I would prepare this article with unfounded claims, like “magic” and “more magic.” No! First, Santa’s sleigh, his method of transportation: according to MIT, Santa’s sleigh moves at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound, 8 ⅔ times the speed of light. It has been scientifically proven that objects cannot go faster than the speed of light, we all know this. Let’s say, hypothetically, that something could; it would experience more than 200 million G’s; that is 24 million times more than what would almost instantly kill someone. Not to mention the power required to propel the sleigh to such speeds, a mere eight reindeer (or nine counting “Rudolph”) would be incapable of doing.

Second, his little slave elves and his “employment” practices: these elves are not being paid. Santa’s workshop conditions are clearly subpar. Even though they claim to be in the “happiest place on Earth,” studies have shown that around 40% of elves are sleep deprived and 20% of elves can attribute their anxiety to work-related stress. A shocking 250,000 elves suffer from work-related illnesses. These conditions cannot go unnoticed. Mr. and Mrs. Claus are committing numerous OSHA violations on a yearly basis. Do you really think that the Bureau of Labor Statistics would not have investigated him by now? Do you think that society has fallen victim to such capitalistic greed and is willing to overlook the oppression of innocent people for the sole purpose of exploiting them and their desperation so you can reap the benefits? Oh, actually, now that I think about it, that wouldn’t surprise me. 

Lastly, the ultimate argument for the existence of the corpulent crook who every year defies the laws of physics and abuses his power as the only person on the uninhabitable North Pole by mistreating fictitious Christmas-themed Oompa-Loompas: Who eats the cookies and carrots? This, I must say, is something that is difficult to answer. If not the godless butterball we all worship, then who? Dare I say, erosion? Like a shoreline without the necessary protection of a mangrove forest, the air currents from the open chimney for our nefarious Saint Nick can shimmy down and be detrimental to the structural integrity of the cookies, causing them to crumble and be carried away. The same goes for the carrots. You think reindeer can fit through a chimney? No. “He brings them outside for them to eat.” Okay, then why would he bring the half-eaten carrots back inside for us to clean up? That seems like a waste of time to me. I think that cutting out that trip could potentially save this heavyset hoodlum hours.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. I hope that I have convinced you of my beliefs because I am right, and anyone that opposes me should be accused of a thought-crime and immediately docked 100,000 social credit points.