I have one question for you, as simple as it is essential: Do you rock?

If you answered no to this question—if you even hesitated—stop reading here and go back to watching The Lawrence Welk Show. 

If you answered yes, well, do I have a treat for you!

This very evening STUCO will be hosting the Priory Homecoming Bonfire. You should attend. 

Why? Let me enumerate the reasons:

1. There will be fire.
2. There is always the chance that the fire will rage out of control and burn down the entire campus. Which would be bad, but, hey…check out the big fire.
3. And here’s the most important reason:
4. Priory’s favorite band, The Proctors, will be playing rock and roll music!

I’ll give you a moment to stop hyperventilating before I continue.

…

Alright then.

The Proctors are the longest-running musical ensemble in the history of Priory. Among our many accolades was being named by The Creve Coeur Chronicle the “premiere act in the world featuring teachers from a Saint Louis County-based all-boys Catholic Benedictine junior high and high school located in the 63141 zip code area.” 

Well!

Perhaps you’d like to know the history of our band. I’ve been teaching here at Priory since 2003 (!), and formed the group circa 2006. That means The Proctors have been a-rockin’ for some fifteen years, longer than many of you have been alive (much less a-rockin’).

I imagine you’re saying to yourself at this point: but Bussen, you are an unlikely founder of an outfit of such renown—besides the fact that you are old, dumb, and ugly, you’re a terrible musician!

These things are true. Here is an anecdote somewhat related to your last point:

In my youth, my mother forced me to take piano lessons. During one lesson, I finished playing a piece for my teacher, then turned to her, eager for the praise I believed I was due. I received this feedback: “Your hands,” she said, “were made for breaking rocks.”

I looked down at the hands in question. Oh my word, it was true. 

You see, a real guitarist’s hands are delicate, elegant, dexterous. My hands are none of these things. 

This photo depicts the paw of a big dumb animal. A thick stupid cube of flesh. An appendage untouched by evolution, incapable of deft, subtle movements that would produce any sound we might associate with the term music.

So that’s my excuse.

Anyway,

Currently, The Proctors consist of four members of the Priory faculty: Tim “Which One’s the G Chord Again?” Bussen, Andrew “Born to Shred” Erker, Kellen “Human Metronome” Plaxco, and Courtney “Well Isn’t That Fitting? My Name Is Actually” Rockaman. 

You might be surprised to know that early iterations of The Proctors included students, as the Priory teachers of yore were uniformly lame. Our first lineup featured a twelfth-grade drummer, Alex Erker, older brother of the aforementioned Andrew. Practices were held in the Erker family basement to the irritation of Alex and Andrew’s parents, whose names are George and Connie or something. I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter. Whatever.

During our first practice at Erker Studios, I was shredding my axe so furiously that I cut my knuckle on the strings resulting in a veritable deluge of blood dripping from my fingers. Thus our group was named Bloody Digit.

Over the years, the band has gone through a string of other appellations before settling on The Proctors. These have included Ammonius the Earless and the Tall Brothers, Suck It Suarez, Mike Rebello’s Fanny Pack, and Beyoncѐ. (This last title was not as original as we thought according to a series of cease and desist letters from some uptight jerk of an attorney.)

Like our name, the band’s lineup has shifted considerably over the years. Here is a list of the former faculty bandmates I can remember: Carrie Lane (nѐe Reifle), Father Aidan, Barbara Sams, Tim Goldman, Kevin Nolan, Dr. Bash, David and Jill Morey, Brandon McLaughlin (having been caught stealing from the band till, the knave fled to California where he remains on the lam), Ryan Niemann, Dennis Toscano, Andrew Davis, Tom Waits, Alberto Requejo, T-Bone Megatron Turney.

But name-to-name, lineup-to-lineup, song-to-song, one thread runs through the rich tapestry that is Proctors’ history: We basically rock!

See you tonight!