Love Doctor


Miles Pim '22, Love Doctor

Ladies and gentlemen, buckle your seatbelts because you are about to board the ride of your life, and learn some things while you’re at it. I am the Love Doctor, and with my help, you too can look in the general direction of a person lacking a Y chromosome without having a nervous breakdown. I hear that your Homecoming is just around the corner, but this will not be my normal Homecoming advice. You have less time than normal now because your lazy student council representatives have taken their sweet time scheduling Homecoming, so some of these techniques are extremely advanced and should not be attempted under any other circumstances without proper training. After a year of staying home and neglecting hygiene, this is more difficult than ever.

  1. Securing a Date

This could be the hardest part of the process, but unless you fumble the bag the rest is smooth sailing. A date is the girl that you take to the dance. This is preferably someone to whom you have been in close proximity, which could mean you went to grade school with her or maybe she is your friend’s sister. Once you decide on the female you are asking to the dance, you have to actually ask her. This is harder than you may think. Believe it or not girls do not have telepathic powers like “The Boys” do. You cannot simply think that she is your date, it is crucial that you make contact with her. Forethought is required, you must plan out every single possible response and what you will say, like that scene in Endgame with Dr. Strange. Priory guys are not known to be exceptionally charming, so we must outsmart our competition. I would recommend making a poster with a corny quote regarding something that she likes doing. That is information you can gather by stalking her social media. Don’t lie to yourself, everybody does it. Once you make this poster, you show up to her house unannounced and stand in her front yard until she looks out her window.  She will see you standing there shivering in the cold and she will have to let you in. That’s when you show her the poster and ask her to the dance with one of your fifty prepared lines. 

  1. Going to the Dance

After she says yes, because she has no other option, you need to start making plans. Let her know what you’re wearing so she can buy a dress that “matches” or something like that. They do that sometimes. When you pick her up, knock on her front door with flowers behind your back. When she opens the door, walk right past her like she doesn’t exist. Give the flowers to her Dad and talk with him about manly things like football or power tools for an hour until you are fashionably late to dinner. Where are you going to dinner? Somewhere fancy. Split the bill of course because she’s a strong independent woman who doesn’t need handouts. Also, make sure it is something messy, like barbecue or spaghetti and meatballs because girls love it when they have food all over their new dresses. Once everybody is adequately coated in sauce, it is time to go to the dance itself. 

  1. At the Dance

It is customary, at the dance, to guide her by the hand to the dance floor like a gentleman. Make sure to make a big deal of wiping your hand off after you let go, so she knows that you’re conscious about COVID-19. I forgot to mention that there will be nothing but slow dancing music at the dance, so be sure to take lessons on slow dancing before because you don’t want to be the only one doing the tango while everyone else is waltzing. This should last from 7-9:30. 

  1. After the Dance

There will be absolutely no funny business at these so-called “after parties.” The CDC states that no more than 50 people can gather together in one place, so be sure to abide by the “rules” of this government that we are forced to obey. After the “after party,” you have to bring your date back to her house by her curfew. Say “Goodbye,” say “Thank you,” be polite, but if she tries to give you a hug, don’t let her. Girls have cooties, remember that. 

I hope this information helped you all get dates or whatever, I don’t know, I’m not an expert, you do you.