The Return of NEWZ

The Return of NEWZ

Adam Rolwes

Before we begin today’s segment, NEWZ would like to issue a Public Service Announcement. As many of you may know, another news network (and I use the term loosely) has arisen in an attempt to supplant us. Please ignore them and everything they say. Now back to our schedule.

This week in NEWZ, we address a very concerning question. Will the nightmare that is 2020 end as 2021 begins? While many believe that once the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve, this cursed year will disappear and the “Series of Unfortunate Events” will cease. In case you have not been up to date on all the havoc of this past year, I will give a quick outline:

  • WWIII almost happened.
  • Australia was set on fire, shortly followed by the West Coast of the United States.
  • Someone ate a bat
  • Kobe Bryant died
  • Kim Jong Un didn’t die   
  • We tried anarchy… didn’t work as well as expected
  • Chadwick Boseman died
  • Murder Hornets (don’t even need a joke for this one)
  • A lot like… a LOT of hurricanes happened
  • 2020 signifies the end of a period of waiting in Hebrew or something (bad omen?)
  • The Bethlehem Star occurred (also bad omen?)


Man States that Stealing Candy from Babies is not as easy as it looks

43 year old Pete Evans has been reported warning the public not to believe the common myth that stealing candy from babies is easy. Evans claims that he first learned this when he was walking through the local park and suddenly started craving candy. Feeling his pockets and finding that he had none, he suddenly remembered the old saying, “Like stealing candy from a baby.” Evans proceeded to find a 13 month old child with a lollipop and snatched it from his hands. The child’s nearby mother rushed Evans, pepper spraying him in the face while repeatedly hitting him with a nearby branch. 

“I just don’t want anyone to make the same mistake I did,” states Evans. “All these years we’ve been spoon-fed this lie, not realizing the repercussions it may have on people’s lives.”

Evans proceeded to warn the public that if they decide to steal candy, ignore babies and instead focus on other kids whose parents will not be watching them like a hawk. The public rallied around Evans, celebrating his community service and selfless philanthropy. Eventually, a petition was signed and sent to the mayor’s office, asking him to be pardoned not only from his recent crime, but past ones of vandalism, grand theft auto, and arson. 


World’s Problem Solved

A worldwide problem that has been plaguing nation’s economies and social structures for ages has recently been solved. After decades of research, scientists have answered the question: Why’d the chicken cross the road? Studies show that the impact of this solution could outweigh the benefits of solving world hunger, cancer, and annoying YouTube ads combined. Researchers from South Indiana Mathematics and Physics institute have been trying to solve this issue for years and have just recently found a solution. We here at NEWZ were fortunate enough to interview the head scientist on the research: Joseph M. Ama. Ama states that breakthroughs in the psychology of chicken and chemical compositions of roads were the two main factors that allowed their research to succeed. However we cannot release the answer to this question at this time as it has not been officially ratified by the scientific community, but I assure you, it will come soon.